I'M FREAKING OUT!
(crunch crunch crunch)
What if I don't finish?
You will- you've done this before. You always finish.
No I haven't- I just did 31, and I raced it. I went way too fast.
Yeah, but you've done 5ish hours, this is just a few more.
I should have gone slower- it's "time on your feet", not "time to finish".
Shit, I'm not ready. Oh, and did I mention I feel out of shape and bloated?
That's because you're on a taper and you are only running an hour a day and you are retaining water because of hormones and it's not your fault. Do I really have to remind you of all this? Jeeeeez.
Welcome to the bizarre pickle of a place called "My Pre-race Mind".
(crunch crunch crunch)
Dude, check out the trees. What's better than orange leaves against a blue sky?
If I check out the leaves I'm going to eat shit.
Change the song- I want to listen to Band of Horses.
No, I'm kind of pissy and like this gloomy stuff. It works. Alright- here you go.
Dude- this song perfect right now- jesus, a pink tree! Check it out!
Would you please look at the ground? I don't want to fall. Yeah, this song is good. (smiles)
(crunch crunch crunch)
It's in a week. A week from today I'll be a nervous wreck. I'm not trained up. I hate tapers. I don't trust them.
Yeah, but you don't feel like running long anyway right now, so why don't you just enjoy it? Yeah, Taio! Now this is the shit that's gonna keep you moving. I love cheesy music.
I guess it doesn't matter - I'm trained as much as I can, body has learned what it's going to learn. Cramming right now won't do me any good.
Yep, that's right, now will you look at the goddamn pink tree? Oh! there's another one. Do these people know this shit is out here?
(...A7 2030, A8 2035, A9 2256...)
I wish I were on a team. Team sports are better. There's always someone there with their eye on you. You have to answer to someone else- that's motivation. I hate this shit. I don't want to be alone out there next week.
You won't be. Someone will show up. Mike said he'll crew you. Now pay attention or you'll fuck up this reaction.
I know, he's a saint- he's my boyfriend and I asked him to. Poor guy... he has no way out. Seeing his smile will be like a hit of adrenaline- or novicaine.
The GAC will be there. You've done lots of these. You can do this one. Just get their early, drop a bag in the woods with him and go. You'll be ok.
But what if their faces don't work in my shitty moment?
Then you'll picture your faces on your own.
Yeah, but it's different now- this is scary shit and I really want to see some faces.
Any face will work, and you know that.
(pat pat pat)
God I love running- even on roads. Seriously, it's so easy. Ok, body check: all good, no aches. Nope, there's my toe. Stupid toe. No! I didn't mean that. Sorry toe.
Oh Gawd, what if I'm tired next week? What if my body is just too tired?
Then you'll go slow. You'll eat. You'll listen to slow music. You'll come in, like, 75th place- that would be a first!
Ha ha ha. It might actually feel good.
Eventually, these two figure it out. They have moments like this where they're sparring, and then moments when they're both throwing air punches and smiling that shit-eating smile that comes from the happiest place I know.
I know what you just read sounds like sheer lunacy, but it's actually practice. It's practice being in my most raw and vulnerable place- scared as hell. It isn't scheduled- I sort of slip into it when I'm one or two weeks away from a race. I practice that shitty moment when I don't think I can go any further, or when my body is doing something I can't control. I practice what I'll do to move past that point.
Food, music, change clothes, stop and walk, more food, water, think of people... But what if my tricks and crutches don't work? What if there's a second shitty moment like that, way later on? What if there are always two of them, and I've just never run long enough to experience the 2nd?! I go through the race over and over again. I think of Mile 12- my hardest mile sometimes. I think of Mile 22, my other hardest mile. I have no idea what miles 32-50 will be like... even harder?
I'm one week out right now. I think about it constantly- beginning, middle and end. And if I do what I do best, like most runs I go on these days, you'll all be there with me and we'll be just fine.
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