Monday, March 14, 2011

2011 Resolution: Chill the Heck Out...




I found myself on January 1, 2011 wandering around Salem looking for a hot cup of coffee to flush the champagne out of my system and provide an outlet to plug my 3:30am-bedtime-btw-I’m-not-21-years-old-anymore-for-the-LOVE(!) body into. Sitting at a local coffee shop, best friend in one hand and best boyfriend in the other, it dawned on me that asking myself, "Huh, what should I do today?", lead to a certain feeling of lightness and excitement, the unfamiliarity of which nearly shocked the hangover out of me.

In the last 48 hours, a creepy lingering dread had somehow disappeared. The funny thing is that I had never even known it existed until it was gone. For the last 6 months I had spent my days and nights borrowing homes and beds, linens, kitchens, books and WiFi from dear friends and faceless landlords, and frantically avoiding the obvious cloud that being un-tethered for so long can create. Perhaps this is how I solidified such a strong emotional bond to my car over the last 6 months- it was the only thing I recognized as 'mine'- a space I belonged in, that belonged to me.

The very fact that 48hrs earlier I had moved into my own home, unpacked my life from almost 7 months of storage (well, 18 months, actually), and started to nest in a blissful state of “chill”, created a new anticipation of the day ahead that was, well, easy and something to look forward to, not dread.

As we wandered the quiet soggy streets back home (yep, I said “home”), I felt excited instead of paralyzed. Then, yanking me out of my blissful stupor of planning my day, Marion started chatting about New Year's resolutions, prompting a new blissful stupor of planning my year. Yikes. I frantically scanned my brain for something pithy, something deep, some idea to sink my newly tethered teeth into that would impress my company to no end. But, when asked about my own resolutions for 2011, all I could come up with is, "I guess I just want to chill the f*#@ out." (Yeah, I dropped the F-bomb, but it was champagne-induced, remember?).

As you all know too well, I’m a pretty intense gal, and the last few years of my life have reflected this intensity ten-fold. It’s actually really not my fault though- it’s yours. It’s not my fault that my life is filled with accomplished, creative people whose momentum and beautiful lives are so dangerously inspiring to someone like me. It’s not my fault you’re all so welcoming and loving, ready for anything and paving paths that make my mouth water. And it definitely isn’t my fault that you’ve encouraged and supported me and my goofy ideas, my inability to reign myself in, and let me mooch off of your spirits like a leech. You people are intoxicating, and because of that, I’m exhausted. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart. This eager beaver couldn’t have done it without you.

Like a rat on a wheel or a runaway train, I’ve really taken no time to breathe, and that kind of marathon deserves a much needed chill pill.

There are always hurdles on the journey to Chill. For me, there are two potential hazards at large that fill me with anxiety and a feeling of being trapped. I work hard every day to ignore them, or at least, to look at them with perspective. They are those creepy lurking dudes in the back of the room: Mr. Past and Mr. Future, and until I can figure out how to minimize their affect on me, I won't be able to create the time and space to find my chill.

The problem with Mr. Past and Mr. Future is that they both try to stop me from being in my present by trapping me into looping on my past and future. And not only that, but they’re always trying to give me that ruler so I can see if I measure up. You know which ruler I’m talking about? It’s that double-edged one that can lift you up just as easily as nudge you into the unsettling depths of self-doubt, inadequacy, and concerns that you just aren’t doing enough and need to work harder.

A wise person once said, “At some point you have to stop focusing on how things used to be and start focusing on how they just are.” No wait…that was me. I just made that up. Opps, well I like it anyway. When your past is injured and sad, you could spend the rest of your life trying to fix it and make it better. If your past was a blast, full of amazing glorious moments that you yearn for again, you could spend the rest of your life trying to resurrect it.

The only way I can deal with the creepy lurkers is get up in my own grill and force myself to dip a toe into that peaceful pool of acceptance. And let me tell you, after three years of working on this, it is easier said than done. The beautiful thing is that if you can get a toe in, sometimes your entire foot follows suit (or both feet, or even a whole leg!). I feel progress every day, meaning I am less likely to take that ruler from them or even acknowledge their presence, allowing me to see my past and my future for what they are- just that.

“It is what it is”. I know that phrase has become a little cliché, but I still love it! There is nothing truer in my book. With a new home and a routine that finally suites me, I'm fully equipped to let things just be, and continue to give those lurkers the eye if they get to close, keep the ruler at bay, and learn how to fill my time and space to enjoy or create a moment. Oh, and it makes me so chill just thinking about it.

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